Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you.  I often find myself picking up the phone to call you and then realizing that you are no longer on the other end.  I see pictures of you around my house and I still can’t believe that I won’t ever see your face again.

My daughter misses you and that crushes me more than you know.  She needed you in her life, to teach about princesses and pretty things that I just don’t understand the way you do.  She talks of you often and I wish so much that she could just play with you once again.  You were so good with her and I always felt so lucky to have you, and to know that no matter what I needed, or Grace needed you would be there.  I knew we were your priority, I just hope you know that you were mine too.

I wish I would have spent more time, I wish I would have came more often, and stayed at your house more. I am so thankful for our time at Christmas last year.  I loved how you made sure everything was really nice and ready for us to be comfortable and how you went out of your way to make things fun for Grace.

I miss just sitting and talking and riding around together.  I need you now though, to help me bring this baby into the world, and I feel angry that you aren’t here for me.  I am scared to try and do this without you, because there was something about you that helped to calm me.  You put up with my silly little requests at the hospital and you stayed with me until you knew I could do it on my own.  I need you again.  I need your voice telling me I am strong and I can do it.

You were there for me and my biggest supporter when Grace needed surgeries and I was scared to make choices, you helped me think through things.  You helped me through sleepless nights after the surgery and you were there no matter what.  I need that still, I need to know you are still here and you aren’t.

I’m starting to realize that maybe you stayed longer than you should have.  Maybe you did stay to be there for me with Grace, and now you think I can do it on my own, but I don’t know if I can.

I’m sad you left and I didn’t get to say goodbye.  I am sad I didn’t make more of an effort to come that weekend, I wish I wouldn’t have let me being tired stop me from coming.  I think I knew you needed me, somewhere deep down, and I didn’t, I wish I would have.  I wish you would have gone quietly in your sleep, and not in pain. I wish you wouldn’t have been alone. I could have held your hand.  It breaks me to know that nobody was there to hear you, to tell you they love you, and to make sure you knew that you mattered.

I hate that your life was always so hard and full of pain.  I wish more people would have showed you that you were valuable, and I hope you know that I loved you-I still do-no matter what.

I know you miss us, and wish you were here too, but I also know you are in a better place without pain.  I know it is your blessing, but it isn’t mine.  I miss you, and now my life is harder, and sadder, and I want you back, even if it is selfish.  I want you in Grace’s life and in Walker’s life-where are you? I’m mad at you, for leaving me.

I love you mom!

Love, Me

There for her Baby

I had to go on a business trip, and it was the first time I have ever left my daughter.  She was struggling with me being gone and was crying uncontrollably.  I was crying in my own location missing my daughter and wishing I could help her.  I was texting my husband who was trying to help her relax.  I cried out loud, “Mom, why can’t you be there for her? Go and help her!”  Not three minutes later, My husband sent me a message that she was reaching and asking for her Mimi (which is what she called my mom).  She must still be here somewhere watching over me .  I realized that she must have been with me-watching and trying to comfort her baby-instead of my daughter, but as soon as she knew that is where I needed her most she went, for me.  I miss her very much!