Dear Mom 10

Dear Mom,

It has been two years.  Two full years since I last heard your voice.  Two years since I have seen your smile, and two years from the last time I went to bed knowing my mom was just a phone call away.  I miss you as much today as I did two years ago.  I still feel like life for me is not fair.  I still feel like you abandoned me.

I know it isn’t fair, but it is how I feel.  I miss you very much mom. There are so many things going on in my life that I need you to be here for.  Some things I want to share with you, some things I need answers that only you can give me.  A mother is supposed to be there for her daughter and you aren’t.  I feel angry with you.

Above my anger, though, I miss you.  I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss your excitement over the smallest of things, and I have some things that would have made you so very excited.  My book is getting some interest, Mom.  You would be so proud of me.

My kids are growing every day and you are missing it.  Most of all, they are missing you.  Our girl still talks about you all of the time and breaks in to tears asking for you a lot.  She starting to forget what you used to do together.  She remembers your connection, but some of the games, she has to ask what you used to play with her.  It makes me sad.  Our boy, it just isn’t fair that he never gets to experience what time with Mimi was all about.  It was the best of times.

There are so many things of you around me every day and I just wish I still had you.  It’s because I love you mom.  One day I may be able to let you go.  I may be able to embrace your blessing and be happy for you, but that day is not today.  Not yet.  I miss my mom.

I love you!

Love,

Me

End of Life Caregiver

Someone very close to me is going through a very difficult time.  I am seeing things through a whole new perspective-through her.  As a mother, I am given such high regards for the position that I hold. Making a choice to be a “stay at home” mom or to be a full time working mom is most often supported, either way, in public settings.  As a mother, it is understood, when we need to take a sick day, either from work or from friends, to care for a little one who’s feeling under the weather.  It is also understood, when we need to take a break to accept a phone call from school or from the child themselves.  When we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders as we worry about what preschool our child should attend, or how we are going to make it home in time to make a healthy dinner, we are supported, understood, and often praised.  Even taking a moment in the middle of the day to break down in tears from the stress of it all-is supported.  For this I am happy.  However, there is another point in our lives, where this same support should still exist, but because of the times of transition, it just isn’t so.

This, is the end of life caregiver.  I am watching as this woman that I love, I will call her Dee, has learned that her mother’s time will be coming to an end on this earth.  I have stepped up, to the best of my ability, to provide support and love, but I am finding that I am seeing such inadequacies prior to this time.  Dee often calls me, to check on how I am doing, how my children are, and is a sounding board when I am making decisions about their day to day care.  I did not, however, provide the same support to her.  Dee has been the primary care giver for her ailing mother for the past 10 years.  Every morning, her first task was to check on her mother’s well being.  Not so different from daycare, Dee has been tasked to find and provide the best living environment, with the highest quality staff to watch and care for her.  Just as I, miss opportunities to go out with my friends for a late night dinner because my child is under the weather, she misses traveling to a talent show out of town, because her mother is ill. She is responsible for ensuring that there is food and nourishment, that she is clean, has the opportunity to shop and get her hair fixed and that her place of living is clean and safe.  See the similarity?

She doesn’t, however, get the support and cheers from the world about how amazing she is and she certainly does not get the support and understanding for the weight of the world that also resides on her shoulders.   She doesn’t get the support and understanding that she is not only works full time, but is a full time caregiver and needs the same support.  She does not always get the calls of encouragement, or the checking in and sounding board, that I am now seeing she would need. After all, I need it in my caregiver status.  I am stepping in now.  I realize it now. I see it. So my only choice is to do what I can do now.

I am also looking at her situation, Dee as she loses her mommy, and I can’t help but think of my own.  Dee has been given a timeline.  An opportunity for her to say everything she wanted to say, an opportunity to say goodbye. I did not get this.  I have the guilt of things unsaid.  Does that mean that it’s better to know?  I am not so sure.  Dee is starting the grieving process all her own.  Yes her mother is still here, but she has her moments feeling this grief.  Maybe only weeks or months, but still, that is extra time of sadness that certainly affects her life.  It is even more challenging, as her mother is elderly and in these last moments, is not of sane mind.  So everything that she is saying to her mother, the most important things, her mother may not be getting.  These words are only for her.   I do hope they provider her comfort.  I am sure that somewhere her mother is hearing it, just as I am sure my mother does on the other side.

I am sending my support to those end of life caregivers in the world, especially my Dee.  What strength you have, what energy.  I am amazed by you and I hope to do better for those in the future who may need me.  I will call more, lend more support, and cheer them on as they walk the difficult journey.  Cheers..

My Baby 9

My Baby,

You’re listening.  More than you used to, you are acknowledging and paying more attention. I am so glad you are hearing me.  Not always, but sometimes when you need it most, you hear me.  I hope you know I love you. I watch you with your little ones, and you are a good mom.  We all get tired sometimes and everyone deserves a break.  You just don’t get one so sometimes you have to just take it.  You always put those little ones first and they have the very best life.  When I look back at my time as a mom-I wish I would have been more like you.  I learned that later in life and I know I was a great grandma, but you, you are a great mom-right now.  Know this and give yourself some credit.

I am proud of you for still writing, for getting out there even though it is hard.  For making the connections.  I am so proud of you.  I was so proud when I was able to tell people that my daughter had finished a book.  I always wanted to do that myself and I know how hard it can be.  I love that you did it, and know that I am with you in your writing, wherever it goes.

Your kiddos make me laugh.  I love watching them smile and laugh and grow every day.  What an absolute joy they are.  I hope you know that I am always there for you.  I am so sorry that you needed me the other day and that I couldn’t be there.  I was there, but just not the way I wanted to be, and please know, that I did want to be.  There are times I wish I could come back, for those moments, I miss them, I miss you, but you did it.  I knew that you could, but I hope you knew I was there, watching over your boy, pushing him back after I stole a quick kiss.  He knows me.  He misses me too and you can bet I visit and play with both of your kids every chance I get.  Sometimes in their dreams, sometimes in a chime, but I am there and they are more aware than you my dear even though you seem to be getting better.

I miss lunches with you too, and Christmas music.  I would love a Sweet Tea on the patio, but I also know that it’s okay if the things we used to eat and drink, just don’t taste the same anymore.  See..I am with you.  Always.  Even in the small things.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mom

John Edwards the Psychic Medium

I went to a live event with John Edwards the other night.  It truly was an experience but left me so hungry for more.  Here is my experience with John Edwards, Psychic Medium…

Pre story:  When I was five, I was selected at sea world to feed Shamu.  I went to the front with my fish and just as Shamu came to eat it out of my hand I panicked and ran away.  John Edwards was a little like that.  My better half says it best-I just wanted it too much.  I squeezed my little loved pet-right to death!

John asked people if they had questions. I had heard this is a good way to get a reading so I raised my hand.  He picked 6 people, not me.   A few readings, many jokes etc. etc. etc.  (I am chewing my fingernails..come on!) After those six, he picked 6 more, again, not me.  more great stories with great messages, still not what I came for.  The night should have been over after that, but then he picked 3 more, and I was the last one picked.  Crazy right!  Many of my questions had already been asked, but I was determined, so I came up with something.  Here it goes.

Me: “I just wanted to know how it works, when I am talking out loud to my mom, is my voice just going into the air, or how does she hear me?  If she isn’t with me all the time, I really want to know, what’s my percentage?”

He laughed at me, then said, “Oh that’s so cute.”

I was slightly mortified.  but then he said, “I love how you asked that,  You don’t actually have to talk out loud.  When you direct your thoughts to them, they can hear you. Imagine Facebook.  You post something online, and although they may not be logged in, and on your profile, they are still tethered to you, and they will see the message just as they log in again.  Time is a little different though, so imagine that when you “speak” to them that they do get it immediately”

Thank you John-and then the reading began-insert deer in headlights

J-“I see Scleroderma, does that relate you?”

M-“Yes, my mom had Scleroderma, but it wasn’t her main disease, so I am not sure that she would have picked that one to show you.”

J-“Does anyone else have a relationship to Scleroderma?” to audience…silence

M-“It’s probably my mom, she had Scleroderma.”

J-“I am picking up a name, El something-Elizabeth maybe or Ellen?”

M-“nope, not me, I don’t know an Elizabeth or an Ellen.”

Lady Behind me, We will call her T for Thief:  “I have an Elizabeth”

J-“Okay, sorry I must be moving over to her.-he then starts talking to her-then interrupts himself shortly after and directs back to me-nope I am coming back to you.  What about another vowel name, or here’s one, June or something like that, it starts with a J”

M-“Well I have a niece whose middle name is June, but I don’t know any other June or J name.”

J-Looks at me with total frustration and annoyance.

T- Steals again, I know a June

J-Tries to talk to T, nothing…Comes back to me once again-“There’s something about jewelry-a ring or some other item that you want, but that you don’t have.”

M-Deer in headlights, “umm yeah, my mother has jewelry that me and my sisters would like, but don’t yet have.

J-frustrated, but being kind.  “Okay, yes, maybe that’s it.”

M-Still blank

J-Still frustrated, “Okay, Your mom is just making her presence known for you, and I am just supposed to tell you to get the jewelry and then I need to move on.”

M-totally deflated

Speaking with ticket mate afterward-totally frustrated.  I just don’t know any of that, it may not be real.  Oh well, at least I know that my mom is still around somehow.

Later that night:  Speaking quietly in my mind-“Mom why didn’t you try harder.  I really wanted to hear from you and this was my chance.”  Total heart impression, “I did, you didn’t listen”

Whap—Got it.

I am not entirely sure what caused my mom’s death and I don’t want to go into details, however, I have conducted a ton of research into all of her major diseases and her medications, none of them relate or could be the cause.  So, I pulled out my computer in the middle of the night and researched Scleroderma in relation to her cause of death. Talk about a crazy experience-It could be a cause and most often is.  Maybe that is why she picked that one to show.  Moving on….El name:  My sister (yeah I suck!)  another vowel uhhh other sister, and let us not forget the J: her mother.  My mom did take the time to acknowledge the important people in her life.  How frustrated she must have been this mom of mine.

So angry at myself and having a conversation with my husband later he said, “well what did you really want” and my answer was, “I wanted to know how she died, and I wanted to know she was still there. I guess I was looking for more “stories and touchie feely stuff,”

The better half-“Well, hon, to me, it sounds like you did get the most important thing.  You maybe do know why, and obviously she is still around you.”

So true, and I am so thankful for this experience.  I know if there would have been a camera there, someone would have portrayed my experience to the public trying to claim that John Edwards was a fraud, in reality, I just didn’t get it, but going home…I tell you what-I believe!

Dear Mom 9

Dear Mom,

I know it has been ages and so many things have changed.  There are so many things that I want/need to tell you, but I don’t know how.  I miss you.  Just today I have thought of you 100 times.  Truly.  I am also finding that whenever I think of my little girl in her younger times, I think of you.  You were such an involved part of her and my life during that time.  When I am going through the same steps with my son, I find myself missing you.  Missing that input in making good decisions and missing your humor about making life fun.  I also look back on my time as a child.  I think I gave Dad too much credit. I am realized how very much you did behind the scenes.  I am working so hard on making a special Christmas for my children, spending late nights, stressing about money, and I realize this way you.  Christmas was always amazing-because of you.  You spent so much time, running the everyday things that I took for granted.  I wish I would have given you more credit.  I wish I would have said “Thank You” more.  I hope you saw it, in my eyes, on Christmas morning.  I hope that was enough, mom, because I see it now.

I miss you mom.  I feel so greedy for your time.  I know that doesn’t make sense, but I just need you to be here, with me and my family at this time.  I need you at Christmas to help me to know you are with me. It was your favorite holiday, so without you, there is a void.  I started the Christmas Tree hunt tradition with my family this year and I thought of you.  How even when it was your worst of times, you still got into the big purple truck with hot chocolate in a thermos to trek into the cold mountain snow.  What an amazingly strong woman you are.  I don’t know how you did it everyday mom, but I am impressed by you and sometimes just thinking of you gives me strength.  Other times, it tears me down and I can’t always get the balance right.  There are days where my poor children see me at my wits end and I wish I had more energy, more fight, more strength to put it all aside and instead choose to sit on the floor and play with them.  I try to mom, like I know you would do, but sometimes I just miss you too much.

We are in our new home now and it has come with so many changes.  I was so worried that by moving I would loose your and the memories.  You were never in this home, but I am finding, that you are here.  I still have the memories and the triggers that I had in the last home and I am finding more and more that it isn’t about the structure.  That is such a blessing to me.  I love my memories of you and find myself laughing and playing with my children with memories of you.  Our girl talks of you everyday and my boy, I swear he sees you.  He reaches sometimes, to nothing.  Maybe it is, but somewhere in my heart I know it’s you.  I missed you at his birthday.  Her’s too, but his was big number 1.  I remember you with our girl, walking around the park, basking under the bush, and feeding her birthday cake.  My boy didn’t like cake, I wonder if it was the missing of you.  I also thought of how you taught our girl to say 1 and put up her fingers before her day even came.  I didn’t do that-it was yours to do.  I missed you.  I played your guitar.  It made me feel you.  I need to play it more but with that joy, also comes the missing.

I feel so tired of the cyclone some days.  Some days I am okay, but others, I just want to yell.  “Why?”  I miss my mommy!

I love you,

Love,

Me

My Baby 8

My Baby,

I hope you never feel that I am no longer with you.  I know it is hard for you, but I want you always to remember me, and feel like I am a part of your life.  You don’t know it now,  but if you never thought to call me, or talk to me, the thoughts of me would not come as often.  I do not want you sad and in pain, but I do still want/need to be a part of your life.  I do miss you dearly and I am struggling.  I cannot let you go.  I was always told how amazing heaven would be.  That it would have so much more than life on Earth that you would never want to go back.  That you would never miss your life because Heaven was just too great.  I am learning though that the people who taught me that, didn’t truly know you.  They didn’t know my girls and my grandkids.  If they did, they would know, that is where my Heaven is.  I don’t know that I will be able to truly embrace and love this place I am in, until I have all of you with me.  Your girl is very perceptive. I am glad she listens to me, because I know that she knows her Mimi loves her.

Don’t  misunderstand that I am not in a better place. I am. I am in no pain, I am happy and can do everything I always wanted to, but my body wouldn’t let me.  Time does move much more quickly for me here than it does for you, and I know you will be with me soon, so I can wait, but I feel that I need to be near all of you to truly feel the peace.  I gave a part of me to each one of you in my life and it is only when I am near you that I truly feel whole.  I have always been a strong willed, I hope you wouldn’t expect that to change.

Just know, wherever you go, I go-even when I shouldn’t. Go out-have a new adventure with your family.  These are memories you will love.  Make new memories and with me in your heart, I will always be in your home.  You know I always hoped you would be in a safer place.  This makes me happy.  I love you so much!

Love,

Mom

Dear Mom 8

Dear Mom,

I have thought of you so much over the past couple of months, but we have been so very busy living life, that I didn’t make time to write.  We are selling our home, and moving now to someplace that you once talked of living yourself.  The area is much better to raise our children, but I will miss the home that I brought them home to.  I wish you were here to talk about this.  I also will miss having a place in my home, that you once visited.  Without the memory of your in basement with your feet kicked up surrounded by crafts, I worry my home will not feel as close to you.  I worry I will leave that memory behind.  Never my memory of you, but maybe the feeling I have knowing you were once in my house.  I miss you so much mother.

                I am not sure what happens after this life and I will in no way venture to guess, but I have to believe that you are still somewhere, loving me, and knowing that I love you.  I need to feel that you are still watching over me and my children and sending your love our way.  I think children have a better insight in these things, and my daughter is providing me with things every day.  She talks of you often.  She used to tell me stories of the many things that you would do, such as your dancing, riding horses, and going to school.  She always talked of you with such joy.  The other night, however, when we were sitting out under the stars she began crying.  She told me that you were just too far away now.  She reached her hands in the air as if maybe that would help you to come closer.  She told me how much she missed you.  I encouraged her to talk to you anyway, so she did.  She told you that she wanted to come to your house and play with you.  She told you she loves you and misses you.  She said she wants to play dolls with you are your house.  I hope you heard her.  My worry is that energy does change, and you may feel farther away to her.  Maybe it is her getting older, or maybe it is something in what is required in the afterlife.

I know you miss us though, and I think you must have visited again where she felt your presence, because she told me one night as I was putting her down to bed, that you “are having a hard time letting go.”  Me too mom.  I am having a hard time letting go too.  I still think of you like you are here.  I wonder when I still stop thinking that I can call you.  I wonder if I will ever realize that you are no longer here to help me make the tough choices, and to give me guidance in the rearing of my children.  Will I ever?  A part of me feels that maybe if I could, it would be a little easier.  I know I would never forget you, or stop missing you, but maybe it wouldn’t sting so much if I could just make a life that doesn’t have you in it anymore.  It doesn’t feel fair, because every time it feels like I lose you again.  Where are you mom?  What does it look like? How do you feel?

I wish I knew.  I do know that I love you.  You are always a part of my life and I am so grateful for all of the things you taught me.  I miss you so much.

I love you!

Love,

Me

My Baby 7

My Baby,

I miss you too.  Go. Go to my house, remember our memories there.  I am with you. I wish you could feel it.

I love you!

Love,

Mom

Dear Mom 7

Dear Mom,

I wish you were here.  I think of you all the time. Sometimes I just think that I want to call you, or that I miss you because I haven’t heard from you in a while and then it hits me, that I can’t.  Again and again this happens and I am not happy about this.  I know you aren’t there, but some part of me still feels like you are supposed to be here somewhere.  I know you aren’t because I physically saw you. I saw you with the light gone from your eyes and I hated it.  It wasn’t you. It didn’t feel like you, and maybe that is why I am still hanging on to wishing you were here.

I was having a conversation with my darling the other day.  She misses you too and talks about you all the time.  She was insisting that you were at your house and not in heaven.  I kept trying to explain to her, when finally I just said, “If she were there, we would go. Right now, I would go in the car to her house just to sit with her, but honey, she isn’t there.”  I may have had a tear in my eye, so she responded, “It’s okay to miss your mom, and it’s okay to cry.”  I told her she was wise beyond her years and that I was so proud of her, but the truth is, I do miss my mom.  Very much!

I just want you to know that you are very much a part of my every day.  I still miss you, and think of you all the time.  You will always be a part of me, even if I want more.  I’m loving you today!

Love,

Me

My Baby 6

My Baby,

Nothing can be greater than the birth of one of your children.  I know this from experience and no matter what happened, he is such a blessing. Maybe instead of looking at it from the perspective that from something good-came something bad, maybe instead realize that because of your challenges, you were given something great.  Your baby was timed for you for a reason.  Think of the challenges you had getting him here and know that it was by design. I know it doesn’t help right now, but maybe in this way I can still give you some advice and support.

I know that I am not the most “glass half full” type of person and in life I often complained and felt that life was unfair.  Truly I felt that I was facing more challenges than anyone else around me and life just didn’t feel even all the time.  I loved that I could call and talk to you, to complain, to question, and that you would always listen no matter what.  You never judged me, or tried to tell me that I wasn’t right.  You agreed with me, saw where I was coming from and let me complain.  The only reason I wouldn’t call you sometimes is because I knew that if I seemed down and out, you would jump in your car and drive to check on me.  I love that I always could count on you, even in the middle of the night, or if you had to take off of work.  Thank you.

I hope you felt you could always count on me too.  I hear you struggling sometimes, needing someone to come and be there for you, to help you with your kids, to just spend some time playing with your girl while you take care of yourself and I long to be able to do that for you. I miss hearing you call and say, “Mom, I need you!”  I can’t tell you how that made me feel.  To be needed-was the best feeling in the world to me.  With you, I always knew that I was wanted to, and welcome.  I do love you very much.  Sometimes maybe you can throw that out into the air you know.  Giving your words a voice, can often make you feel better within.  Know that I am listening and although I can’t show up at your door to play with your kids, when you say “Mom, I need you!” I can wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.  Even if you don’t feel me there, it does something for me, so just remember that.  I still need you too.  I also want you to know that I still come to visit just to see you. I know sometimes you feel people only come to see you because they need something, but I still come, just for you, because I miss my baby and I need to see you are okay.

I am with you today.  Loving you!  I hope you know that every day!  Kiss the kids a lot and tell them that I love them.  Someday they won’t feel me either-so you have to do that for me.

I love you!

Love,

Mom