Dear Mom 6

Dear Mom,

It’s New Years Eve of on the year you left me and I am not sure how to feel.  I can’t believe you are gone, dead, away from me?  I have thought about your passing today and when I said the word “dead” in my thoughts I felt, what a horrible word.  It sounds so final, so harsh.  I am sure you hate it too and prefer words like passing on.  Me too, because it makes me feel as if it isn’t official and we will see each other once again.

I also realized a very depressing fact this afternoon that in the year that I brought our little girl into the world, Grandpa passed away, and now in this year of my son, I had to lose you.  It feels that always in my life with something good, something bad also has to pass.  I wish sometimes I could have it all.  I know that is selfish and unreasonable, and I am so very blessed, but I just miss you so much.

Time has gone very quickly this year, and I am proud of myself for trudging through, even though, the loss of you was sometimes unbearable for me.  I miss you terribly.  Sometimes I still find myself questioning if it is real, or if I can just pick up the phone and call you and you will answer.  I wish for that all the time.

I watched a show the other day where a woman was suffering from cancer.  It wasn’t real but in the show she had made a video for her children just in case.  I cried many times during the show, but the words she said in the video made me feel as if you were talking to me.  She said, “I may not be where you can see me at all time, but I am always with you.  I am so lucky to be your mom.”  I know you felt this way and that you are with me, it just isn’t how I want it to be.

I miss you mom.  I wish 2012 would not have been so hard.  I wish you were still here.  Trying to be positive, as I know you would want me to do, I hope 2013 brings more joy and blessings to our family. Although I realize, nothing can be better than the blessing of my little boy.  I wish I were drinking a glass of wine with you.  I miss you! I love you!

Love,

Me

My Baby 5

My Baby,

You were my angels, and now I am yours.

So blessed to be the mom of you beautiful girls.

Love you!

Mom

Dear Mom 5

Dear Mom,

It’s Christmas Eve.  Your favorite day of the year and I am thinking of you and missing you.  I want you to know this year just how much I love you and miss you.  I am so very amazed by you.  I am inspired by your strength.  You are such an example to me of strength, overcoming obstacles, humor, wit, and class.

I am so thankful that you held traditions so highly and encouraged us every year to share with one another our feelings.  Because of you Christmas Eve is also one of my favorite days.  We had such a wonderful time as an entire family last year and I am so thankful for the memories.

Tonight I will share some of those traditions with my family.  I will give them PJs from you, tell them how much I love them, drink apple cider, and think of you.  I miss you mom.  I wish I had more time to tell you, but I have a house full and it may seem rude.

Merry Christmas.  Thanks for being my Angel.

I love you!

Love, Me

My Baby 4

My Baby,

Christmas was such a wonderful time for our family.  You girls made it so special for me. I loved Christmas because of you.  I loved finding special things for you and seeing your beautiful faces light up on Christmas morning.  I loved Christmas Eve most of all. I loved our special time together and especially having an opportunity each year to tell you just how much you mean to me.  You truly were an Angel in my life.  You and your sisters.  I felt so blessed to know you, let alone to be your mother.

Last Christmas was so special to me.  It was the most special Christmas for me, since you and your sisters moved out of the house. I can’t tell you just how much it meant to me that you would come and share your family with me on such an important and special day.  I loved seeing your little girl on Christmas morning and having that joy and spirit in my house once again.  Christmas Eve was also a very special day, to have you and your sisters all together in my home meant the world to me.  Thank you for making it happen.  I felt so very important, loved, and happy during that time and it was something that I needed very much.  I also hope that in future Christmas’ and this year that it will bring you some comfort to know that my very last Christmas, was amazing and happy, and that I spent it with you.

I can’t and won’t tell you to move on an appreciate the time with your family, because I don’t have that right anymore.  I don’t know exactly how you feel, but if you missing me is anything like me missing you, then there really wouldn’t be a point.  When someone you love is gone, there is no filling that hole and it is much better to remember and love them, than it would ever be to try and hide and forget.  If you try to hide and forget you most surely will lose the piece of you that they helped to create.  If you love them, then that piece is important and is a part of who you are.  Although I want you to be happy always, I do hope you never stop missing me.  I will never stop missing you because you matter to me.  A piece of you, made me who I am and I would never change that.  I hope, and I think you feel the same about me, that you are thankful to have a part of me in you.

As the holiday time comes, remember our good memories.  Please do continue to see and feel me all around you, because I assure you, I am there.  Maybe don’t yell at your husband, and find yourself stuck in a funk, but please do remember me, rejoice, and know that I am with you.

As for your book. I am so very proud of you.  I knew from the start it was going to be great.  I am so proud you stuck with it and that you are pursuing it.  Don’t give up, no matter what, I want to see it in print! I love you very much.  Think of me whenever you see the stars.

I love you!

Love,

Mom

Dear Mom 4

Dear Mom,

We decorated our family Christmas tree.  I cried.  First I yelled at my husband for no good reason and then I cried.  I couldn’t help but think of you.  You were all around me.  I found you in the stocking holders on our mantle.  I remember how they looked in our home when I was younger.  How our stockings hung next to one another and I thought of the Orange that was always to be found in the toe.  I also thought of how on Christmas morning instead of hanging, the stockings always sat on the floor, still hooked to their hangers, because they were just too full and heavy.

We had Christmas music playing.  You have instilled me in the love of Christmas music.  I watched my little girl dance around the living room, and I was reminded of how we would dance with you, and how we would laugh.  I watched ornaments go onto the tree, and was reminded of the silly Tinsel that I never could get quite right.  You wanted it to look so perfect, and my desire to put all of them on quickly and in clumps never quite did the trick.  If I could go back in time, and just move a little more slowly there, spending more quality time with you then, I would.  Even if it was just hanging silver strips over green branches.

I found you in my willow tree nativity set that was placed above my fireplace.  All of the angels you have ever given to me, and full of special memories and the willow tree holds a very special place. But most of all, I thought of you because last Christmas we were in your home with you, and you were there.  It was so full of memories and is one of my very best times with you. I think often of us sitting on the couch and talking late at night.  Our girl loved being there too and it was so special for her to make cookies and put them out and then to wake up in your house.  Thank you so much for having us and for making it so special.  What a great memory that I will always cherish.

I was told that the holidays are always the hardest after you lose someone.  I think this may be true because there are so many small and special moments.  You always held true to traditions and shared them with us.  I hope to continue many of them with my family, but I know that with each one that I do, I will think of you and miss you.  Why did you have to go?

On another note.  I picked up my second book from an editor yesterday.  She marked up my pages like you used to do.  I think you would be proud.  You were the one person that I really wanted to call and share that moment with.  Thank you for always believing in me and pushing me to follow my dreams.

I love you!

Love, Me

My Baby 3

My Baby,

This is a hard one for me to write. I wanted so much to be there for you as you needed me to be.  I want you to know that I love you very much. I am so proud of you! I did everything I could to comfort you and to make the process easier from here. Your dad was right.  I want you to know that. I also want you to know that I was there, the entire time by your side.

You are an amazing mother and that little boy is a treasure.  He is lucky to have you and you will be so great for him. I am so proud of you!

As for the bath.  I am so sorry.  Please know I love you very much.  When giving your little boy a bath, the hand that you didn’t feel, was mine on top of yours.  Well done. What a special moment.  I know this isn’t easy, but thank you for missing me.  I miss you too.

I love you!

Love,

Mom

Dear Mom 3

Dear Mom,

Our little man is finally here and what an amazing little soul he is.  He is so calm and relaxed, I can’t help but feel this must because you were with him the entire way, giving him that comfort for his hard journey here.  He was lucky to have you there-I can feel you in him.

I was so wrong about so many things mom.   I was so stressed about the delivery without you.  I felt that is when I would need you most so I clung to that, feeling that is when I would need courage and when I would so wish you were here.  I did mom, I needed you, I wished you were there, I missed you, but I did it.  Never once did I feel that I couldn’t do it.  I had my moments, I wanted you there so much and people kept telling me-“oh she is there,” or “she will be there with you” and quite frankly at one point in time in the delivery room I wanted to hit your other daughter for saying that, instead I looked at her, snapped my head around and said, “do you see her here, because I don’t.”  There is only so far that the thought of and even the presence of your spirit can help me.  I am sorry mom-but I did miss you, greatly, however, I do feel you were there, not that I felt your presence, but that you helped me.  I had the best delivery ever.  With our girl-and you know you were there every step of the way-It was horrible, difficult, challenging, and physically wasn’t something I wanted to do again, but this time.  It was amazing.  He did so much of the work for me, and it was such an amazing experience for me.  Dad said it best when he said, “honey, your mom did things for you this time, and she couldn’t do when she was here.”  I think he is right.

However, as I said before, I was wrong on what I thought would be the most difficult part.  It wasn’t the delivery or the recovery, or anything about that process.  That is such a huge life event, I was sure that would be it, but no, the hardest part for me was when I was in my own home with my son and stepped up to the sink to give him his first bath.  That was your special part.  You were always there for that with all of your grandkids. You were there with me with our girl, but you weren’t there with me for our boy.  He didn’t get to have that with you.  I didn’t get that with you.  I realize now more than ever that it will always be the small things that will bring me to my knees.  The little times when I need my  mom the very most that nobody else will understand.  Where nobody else can fill the shoes that I will feel that void and wonder how life moves on.  Everyone thought of the delivery and how I would miss you, they commented on it, they gave me kind words-but that bath-I was alone in missing you, because it was a small moment-a special moment where I needed my mom.  An everyday moment that was only you!

Thank you for helping my boy.  Thank you for loving him, for loving me.  I know you do, even if I can’t always feel you!

I love you!

Love,

Me

Where are you?

Heading to the hospital today to bring my little boy into the world.  You are supposed to be here for me.  Where are you?

My Baby 2

My Baby,

I am sending love and comfort your way.  Hang in there.  Your little boy will be there before you know it.  You can do this and you will.  It will be amazing and you will see just how strong you are.  You are an amazing mom already and you will see how much love you have.  When that baby is in your arms, there is something inside of you that just grows to make more room.  Right now, you are sharing soul space with him, so you don’t get to feel just how much love he is actually receiving from you.  As soon as he becomes his very own in the world, you will feel that space so large and know that it is only love for him.  You Soul/Heart is amazing that way.  It doesn’t run out of space just because your body does.  It is the same for me.  My Soul didn’t run out of love for you either, just because my body did, in fact, no longer having the constraint of my body, my love for you has only grown.  Maybe there is also something to that saying that distance makes the heart grow fonder-it probably doesn’t really apply here, but I can tell you that I love you so strongly, my emotions and feelings are very powerful here.

Your little boy is doing well, just keep doing your part, walking, and staying healthy for him.  He is so lucky to have you for his mother and will be in your arms very soon. Then it will be my turn to miss holding him, but I will be there, I will check on him, and I will always love him and be there as I can.

Sometimes it is hard to be a mom, and just to be a person too.  We give so much of ourselves every day, that sometimes there is often very little left for ourselves.  You will have days like this, and you just have to do your best.  Your children will try you in more ways than you will ever know, and it only will get worse as they get older.  You will have days where you feel you can do better, and days where you know you have done the best you can do.  That’s all you can ask for, to just do the best you can, love them unconditionally, and even if sometimes they are hard on you (wink) or make you feel that you aren’t worthy, there will be moments where they come around and you realize that you are doing and have done something right.  Those moments make it worth it.  Wait for it because nothing will ever beat it.  I also know as a mother I was not perfect, not close to, and I wish I could have done many things differently. I tried in the later years and feel that as a grandma I learned a lot.  I hope you feel that too.

I am sorry to hear that you are still holding on to my last night. I understand why and I think I would too, as I did with my father, but being on this side, I can assure you I don’t think of it often.  I think of all the amazing things in life instead. I think of you.  Please understand that had you have been there, so would have your daughter, and that would have been the last thing I would have wanted.  I would have known you were there, and yes that would have mattered, but there is nothing you could have done, and your words and actions probably wouldn’t have been able to get through to me.  It was my time, and I embrace that.  It was as it should be.  Remember me dancing with you, as I am now.

I see you darling, you look stunning with you pajamas on, feet propped up and you laptop under your belly. I am so proud that you are a part of me.  I love you!

Love,

Mom

(I just type these letters and as I go back and read them I realize that they often sound more like her than like me.  Things she would really say to me.  Do I feel her presence as I write? No, not really, but I do feel as if I am closer to her-maybe just remembering her and thinking of how she would advise me and what she would say.  So with that-What I look like right now, yep stunning is the word I would use mom!  I am so glad you love me!)

Dear Mom 2

Dear Mom,

Still waiting for this baby to make his appearance.  I am getting ready now though, and starting to feel as if I can do it.  I was awake in bed last night though and thought of you.  What you would say to me if I called you (or most likely you would already be at my house like last time).  I missed you very much, as happens so often.

I keep wondering how you did it.  How you loved each one of us when we, all three, were so close together.  I am scared because I love my little girl so much, does her love reduce to make room for my little boy. I know you told me and others do too, that you just love them both equally and you will be surprised how much love you have to go around.  I do love him, even now, I just wonder, how will I spend my time to ensure that no matter what they both know they matter to me.  How you did it with three of us, so close together, running around being wild, I will never know. I am so tired and anxious I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday my little angel refused to be her sweet little self, and instead decided it would be more fun to fight with me about everything. It was really hard and I yelled at her way too much.  I ended the night in tears, because I had so hoped that these few days together just her and I would be perfect.  I think this is what got me thinking of you, and I wonder if I was sometimes too hard on you as a mom.  Did I expect too much and make you feel that sometimes you were less than?  I know I did, and for that I am so sorry.  I am so thankful that we were as close as we were, or I fear that the guilt of things I did and said would overwhelm me.  I truly loved you, all of you, every day, no matter what.

I also thought of the time you were in the hospital 4 years ago.  I checked on you and stayed nearby, but not close enough. I didn’t know you were going to spend the night alone, you would never let us worry about you that way. I remember you had that scare and felt so helpless because you couldn’t get help.  The next time you were there and I had our little girl I stayed right there in a hotel and made the hospital promise to call me if anything went wrong.  I wonder if that overwhelming fear and helplessness is what you felt the night you died.  How I wish I would have been there.  It still hurts me.  Always will, I just want you to know.

I love you mom and thanks for loving on my little boy before he gets here.  There are no hands that I would prefer him to be in.  I love your hands. I miss them.

I love you!

Love, Me