Dear Mom,
I have thought of you so much over the past couple of months, but we have been so very busy living life, that I didn’t make time to write. We are selling our home, and moving now to someplace that you once talked of living yourself. The area is much better to raise our children, but I will miss the home that I brought them home to. I wish you were here to talk about this. I also will miss having a place in my home, that you once visited. Without the memory of your in basement with your feet kicked up surrounded by crafts, I worry my home will not feel as close to you. I worry I will leave that memory behind. Never my memory of you, but maybe the feeling I have knowing you were once in my house. I miss you so much mother.
I am not sure what happens after this life and I will in no way venture to guess, but I have to believe that you are still somewhere, loving me, and knowing that I love you. I need to feel that you are still watching over me and my children and sending your love our way. I think children have a better insight in these things, and my daughter is providing me with things every day. She talks of you often. She used to tell me stories of the many things that you would do, such as your dancing, riding horses, and going to school. She always talked of you with such joy. The other night, however, when we were sitting out under the stars she began crying. She told me that you were just too far away now. She reached her hands in the air as if maybe that would help you to come closer. She told me how much she missed you. I encouraged her to talk to you anyway, so she did. She told you that she wanted to come to your house and play with you. She told you she loves you and misses you. She said she wants to play dolls with you are your house. I hope you heard her. My worry is that energy does change, and you may feel farther away to her. Maybe it is her getting older, or maybe it is something in what is required in the afterlife.
I know you miss us though, and I think you must have visited again where she felt your presence, because she told me one night as I was putting her down to bed, that you “are having a hard time letting go.” Me too mom. I am having a hard time letting go too. I still think of you like you are here. I wonder when I still stop thinking that I can call you. I wonder if I will ever realize that you are no longer here to help me make the tough choices, and to give me guidance in the rearing of my children. Will I ever? A part of me feels that maybe if I could, it would be a little easier. I know I would never forget you, or stop missing you, but maybe it wouldn’t sting so much if I could just make a life that doesn’t have you in it anymore. It doesn’t feel fair, because every time it feels like I lose you again. Where are you mom? What does it look like? How do you feel?
I wish I knew. I do know that I love you. You are always a part of my life and I am so grateful for all of the things you taught me. I miss you so much.
I love you!
Love,
Me
My Bout with Grief 